Well, I've typed a message here, but now I deleted it by accident.
Blurhh..
Well, the main thing that I said was that I had a screwed-up day, but from now on I want it to get better so it will get better and I will have lots of fun tonight at the Zenith.
And I had to do a talk at Dutch class but my teacher's girlfriend just had her baby last night so he didn't show and we sent him a card and went to deliver it at his house but we didn't see him.
And that sentence was supposed to look messy and too long.

Goodbye,

xxR

Today is a nice day so I think it's yellow, because I think yellow is a colour that represents happiness. Some people say it's the colour of hate, but I don't think colours represent negative things. As you've probably already noticed.

I feel happier, because I feel calmer and less stressed.
I'm feeling more comfortable about school, because I'm ahead in class on a couple of subjects that I find difficult, Greek, maths and history. Though maths is getting tougher after 34 assignments.
(That's where I'm stuck right now.)
Furthermore I'm looking forward to the weekend, most of all because it's my mum's birthday on Friday and most nice people we know are coming to visit. S & K are coming too, S in the afternoon and K in the evening, after I finish dance class. Which I'm also looking forward to, because we're learning this dance I totally love (until this point). The song speeds up after a while, but the beginning I find totally fabulous. It's classical and slow and well, I just love it! Our new dance teacher likes exactly the kind of music I like, so that rocks!

I'm afraid it's homework-time now, so I'm off!
Byebye!

xxR

Well.. what is there to tell..
If I would say today has not been nice at all, I will do my great afternoon with my love wrong.
Today was the day we have been together for 21 months. I think it is great that we have made it to this point, because even though we love each other very deeply, there have been some tough times.
There have also been tough times for me personally, and if it seems as if your loved one is almost never doing good, that can be quite exhausting for you. So to make a long story short, I am glad we made it this far and I hope that our love can overcome the differences for another long time. I really do. :)

But then, my day got sucky. For no apparent reason, I did not feel like being productive anymore. I actually had to prepare a lecture I am having tomorrow and study for a literature test for German which is very important, but I did not even get myself to do one of them. I was just.. feeling empty and hollow. I did not quite see any colours. My mum was at a parents' night at school about (my 'future' after) this school year and my dad was there too, with her! Though I thought that was great, I would have wanted to be there, to do something for me together with both of them. But unfortunately, this event was parent-only.
Well, so my mum was not there to talk to and I could not get myself to do anything I was supposed to be doing. I called my love, because I suddenly began having this insecure breakdown and the conversation did not end comforting. I hung up, because I felt hurt. That is more the case. Actually, I know I should not call him when I feel like that, it will only create tension. But still I was hoping he would be loving and comforting about me feeling insecure or something. I don't even know exactly what I was expecting. I just know I have to make myself feel better again.

Well, that was a message somewhat less colourful, right? I'm sorry, but I'm trying to listen to my own message I posted the day before yesterday. Keep seeing the colours. :)
I try. But I guess everybody does.

Goodnight.

Love,
R

If someone would ask me who my biggest inspiration is in life, I would not have to think about that question for one second.
It would be you.
At some times I feel so sorry for the fact you're not here anymore, not only because you were my grandfather and I loved you so much, but also because you were an inspirational human being, and I could have learned so much more from you in the future.

You always used to learn me things, to teach me, by telling me what you knew. I now feel stupid for not listening sometimes, or not listening good enough to remember what you had told me. You told me about squares when I was nine. We sat in our garden and you told me a story about a king who made a deal with an ignorant farmer. The king made the farmer promise he would do something for him (what that was, I forgot), but only if each day, the farmer would give him double the amount of sacks of grain that he had given him the day before that. Starting with two sacks. We drew a square on a white piece of paper and we busied ourselves the entire afternoon. It was great.
Though I am not at all a mathematical genius now.
You always asked me what subject we were discussing at history, or what I had learned that day. I told you and knew I could expect a lecture. They were never boring, but I was a child and sometimes too restless to listen to all of it. I feel bad about that now, but I know I am actually not to blame, if I am being honest with myself.

The second thing why I found (and find) you so inspirational, is because of your respect for everyone and anything around you. I know for sure you were prepared to listen to anyone's story and not judge. Not judge, because I think you knew you didn't know the whole story. You would just listen and be interested in what that person was saying, interested in what he or she was doing and feeling. And you could tell other people so enthusiasticly about your passions: cooking, hamradio, photographing.

I think you must have gained even more respect in people's minds and hearts when you threw a big party in honor of life. You sent an invitation with the text 'Nothing's worth more than today'. On the party, I saw and felt how much you did to (the lives of) other people. You have inspired them all, as you have done me.. I don't know if this has ever made you proud, but you must certainly have felt the regard people had for you, how lovely it was for everyone to be around you.

I honestly can't do anything but be honored to be your granddaughter and pleased to have been around you this big a part of my life. I am thankful for the memories.

Opa, I miss you.
You were the most beautiful person I have ever known.

There will always be times when the worst you have ever felt gets topped.
When you feel like no one could possibly know what you are going through.
Well, guess what? They can't. Reality newsflash.
What's true though, is this: It's not always going to be like this and you are not going to feel like this for ever. In the future there will be a time when you feel happy and feel like you belong.
But only when you want it to come, because your life is of your own making.
I passionately believe in that. So if somewhere deep down you feel like you don't want to make the effort to climb out of your hole of negativity (thanks), you just better get rid of yourself right now.
JUST KIDDING. Sometimes there is no strength to get out of there, to do it yourself.
But if you keep trying, good things will come your way again, because people can make each other's day and someone will make your sucky day too, if you're just able to accept that.
People need each other and someone will need you too, even if you cannot imagine that. Not necessarily for you to spend the rest of their life with. Maybe just to brighten their day with your smile when it was a complete mess before.
Reality newsflash II: you actually do matter.
And if you just keep believing in that, you can face the black&white. :)

Love,
R